Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 29

Chapter 29When it was every(prenominal) arouseed, Simon looked smashing, better than Id ever detectn him look. Joshua had not however increase him from the dead, that also healed his leprosy. Maggie and Martha were ecstatic. The new and improved Simon invited us back to his shack to celebrate. Unfortunately, Abel and Crustus had witnessed the resurrection and the healing, and despite our admonishments, they started to spread the story through Bethany and capital of Israel.Joseph of Arimathea accompanied us to Simons house, however he was hardly in a celebratory mood. This dinners not ex stand forly a trap, he told Joshua, its more like a test.Ive been to cardinal of their trials by dinner, express Joshua. I theme you were a turn overr.I am, express Joseph, especi any(prenominal)y afterward what I adage today, but thats why you go through to come to my house and check dinner with the Pharisees from the council. Show them who you atomic number 18. saveify to them in an informal setting what it is that you be doing.Satan himself once adopted me to prove myself, say Joshua. What proof do I owe these hypocrites?Please, Joshua. They may be hypocrites, but they corroborate great influence oer the people. Because they chastise you the people are afraid to listen to the Word. I enjoy Pontius Pi novel, I dont think anyone would harm you in my home and risk his wrath.Joshua sit down for a moment, sipping his wine. thus into the den of vipers I sh entirely go.Dont do it, Joshua, I utter.And you work to come alone, tell Joseph. You cant bring any of the apostles.Thats not a problem, I express. Im only a disciple. peculiarly not him, said Joseph. Jakan bar Iban exit be there.So I guess its another night sitting home for me, too, said Maggie.Later we all look let come forth stationed and waved as Joseph and Joshua leftfield to go back to Jerusalem for the dinner at Josephs house.As soon as they make most the corner you follow them, M aggie said to me.Of course.Stay close nice to hear if he wishs you.Absolutely.Come here. She pulled me inside the door where the others wouldnt see and gave me one of those Maggie kisses that made me walk into walls and forget my name for a few minutes. It was the first in months. She released me and held me at arms length, and so(prenominal), You know that if there were no Joshua, I wouldnt love anyone but you, she said.You dont wee-wee to bribe me to watch oer him, Maggie.I know. Thats one of the reasons I love you, she said. Now go.My years of crusadeing to sneak up on the monks in the monastery paid me back as I shadowed Joshua and Joseph through Jerusalem. They had no idea I was following, as I slipped from shadow to shadow, wall to tree, finally to Josephs house, which lay s come outh of the city walls, only a stones throw from the palace of the high non-Christian priest, Caiaphas. Joseph of Arimatheas house was only slightly smaller than the palace itself, but I was ab le to tie a risk a radar target on the roof of an adjacent building where I could watch the dinner through a window and still brace a view of the front door.Joshua and Joseph sat in the dining room drinking wine by themselves for a while, hence gradually the servants permit in the other guests as they arrived in groups of twos and leashs. There were a dozen of them by the time dinner was served, all of the Pharisees that had been at the dinner at Jakans house, plus five more that I had never seen before, but all were severe and meticulous about washing before dinner and checking each other to eviscerate sure that all was in order.I couldnt hear what they were saying, but I really didnt care. There seemed to be no immediate threat to Joshua, and that was all I was worried about. He could hold his own on the rhetorical battlefield. Then, when it seemed that it would end without incident, I saw the tall hat and white robe of a priest in the street, and with him two Temple guard s carrying their long, bronze-tipped spears. I dropped down off the roof and made my way around the opposite side of the house, arriving just in time to see a servant lead the priest inside.As soon as Joshua came through the door at Simons house Martha and Maggie showered him with kisses as if he had re morose from the war, hence led him to the table and started interrogating him about the dinner.First they shouted at me for having fun, drinking wine, and feasting. Saying that if I was truly a prophet I would fast.And what did you tell them? I asked, still a modest winded from the path to get to Simons house ahead of Joshua.I said, well, John didnt eat anything but bugs, and he never drank wine in his life, and he certainly never had any fun, and they didnt believe him, so what kind of standards were they trying to set, and enjoy pass the tabbouleh.What did they say thus?Then they yelled at me for eating with tax collectors and harlots.Hey, said Matthew.Hey, said Martha.They didnt mean you, Martha, they meant Maggie.Hey, said Maggie.I told them that tax collectors and harlots would see the landed estate of divinity fudge before they did. Then they yelled at me for healing on the Sabbath, not washing my hands before I eat, world in league with the Devil again, and blaspheming by claiming to be the Son of paragon.Then what?Then we had dessert. It was some sort of cake made with dates and honey. I liked it. Then a guy came to the door wearing priests robes.Uh-oh, said Matthew.Yeah, that was bad, said Joshua. He went around whispering in the ears of all the Pharisees, therefore Jakan asked me by what authority I raised Simon from the dead.And what did you say?I didnt say anything, not with the Sadducee there. alone Joseph told them that Simon hadnt been dead. He was just sleeping.So what did they say to that?Then they asked me by what authority I woke him up.And what did you say?I got angry accordingly. I said by all the authority of God and the Ho ly Ghost, by the authority of Moses and Elijah, by the authority of David and Solomon, by the authority of bellow and lightning, by the authority of the sea and the air and the fire in the earth, I told them.And what did they say?They said that Simon moldiness have been a very sound sleeper.Sarcasm is wasted on those guys, I said.Comp permitely wasted, said Joshua. Anyway, then I left, and outside there were two guards from the Temple. The shafts of their spears had been broken and they were some(prenominal) unconscious. There was blood on ones scalp. So I healed them, and when I saw they were coming around, I came here.They dont think you attacked the guards? Simon asked.No, the priest followed me down. He saw them at the same time that I did.And your healing them didnt convince him?Hardly.So what do we do now?I think we should go back to Galilee. Joseph will send word if anything comes of the meeting of the council.You know what will come of it, Maggie said. You threaten them. A nd now they have the priests involved. You know what will happen.Yes, I do, said Joshua. still you dont. Well leave for Capernaum in the morning.Later Maggie came to me in the great room of Simons house, where we were all bedded down for the night. She crawled beneath my lacunaet and put her lips right next to my ear. As usual, she smelled of lemons and cinnamon. What did you do to those guards? she whispered.I surprised them. I thought they major power be there to arrest Joshua.You might have gotten him arrested.Look, have you done this before? Because if you have some sort of plan, please let me in on it. Personally, Im making this up as I go on.You did trusty, she whispered. She kissed my ear. Thank you.I reached for her and she shimmied away.And Im still not discharge to sleep with you, she said.The messenger must have ridden through several nights to get ahead of us, but when we got back to Capernaum there was already a heart and soul waiting from Joseph of Arimathea.Jo shuaPharisee council condemned you to death for blasphemy. Herod concurs. No official death warrant issued, but suggest you present disciples into Herod Philips grunge until things settle down. No word from the priests yet, which is unspoilt. Enjoyed having you at dinner, please drop by next time youre in township.Your genius,Joseph of ArimatheaJoshua read the message aloud to all of us, then pointed to a deserted mountaintop on the northern prop of the lake near Bethsaida. Before we leave Galilee again, I am going up that mountain. I will plosive there until all in Galilee who wish to hear the honest news have come. Only then will I leave to go to Philips territory. Go out now and find the cheeseparing. Tell them where to find me.Joshua, Peter said, there are already two or three hundred sick and faint waiting at the synagogue for you to heal them. Theyve been gathering for all the days youve been gone.Why didnt you tell me?Well, Bartholomew greeted them and took their na mes, then we told them that youd be with them as soon as you got the chance. Theyre fine.I lead the dogs back and forth by them now and then so we look busy, said Bart.Joshua stormed off to the synagogue waving his hands in the air as if asking God why he had been plagued by a gang of dimwits, but then, I might have been reading that into his gesture. The rest of us spread out into Galilee to announce that Joshua was going to be emit a great sermon on a mountain north of Capernaum. Maggie and I traveled together, along with Simon the Canaanite and Maggies friends Johanna and Susanna. We decided to take three days and walk a circle through northern Galilee that would take us through a dozen towns and bring us back to the mountain just in time to help direct the pilgrims that would be gathering. The first night we camped in a sheltered vale outside a town called Jamnith. We ate bread and cheese by the fire and afterward Simon and I shared wine while the women went off to sleep. It w as the first time Id ever had a chance to talk to the Zealot without his friend Judas around.I hope Joshua can bring the kingdom down on their heads now, Simon said. otherwise I may have to look for another prophet to pledge my sword to.I close to choked on my wine, and handed him the wineskin as I fought for breath.Simon, I said, do you believe hes the Son of God?No.You dont, and youre still following him?I am not saying hes not a great prophet, but the Christ? the Son of God? I dont know.Youve traveled with him. Heard him speak. Seen his power over demons, over people. Youve seen him heal people. Feed people. And what does he ask?Nothing. A place to sleep. Some provender. Some wine.And if you could do those things, what would you have?Here Simon leaned back and looked into the stars, as he let his imagination unroll. I would have villages full of women in my bed. Id have a fine palace, and slaves to bathe me. I would have the finest food and wine and kings would travel from fa rthermost away just to look at my gold. I would be glorious.But Joshua has only his cloak and his sandals.Simon seemed to deplume out of his reverie, and he wasnt happy about it. Just because I am weak does not rush him the Christ.Thats exactly what makes him the Christ.Maybe hes just naive.Count on it, I said. I stood and handed him the wineskin. You can finish it. Im going to sleep.Simon raised his eyebrows. The Magdalene, shes a luscious charwoman. A man could lose himself there.I took a dim breath and thought about defending Maggies honor, or even warning Simon about making advances on her, but then I thought better of it. The Zealot needed to learn a lesson that I wasnt qualified to teach. But Maggie was. severe night, Simon, I said.In the morning I found Simon sitting by the cold ashes of the fire, cradling his head in his hands. Simon? I inquired.He looked up at me and I saw a colossal purple goose egg on his forehead, just below the bangs of his Roman haircut. A spot of blood seeped out of the middle. His right eye was nearly swollen shut.Ouch, I said. How did you do that?Just then Maggie came out from behind a bush. He accidentally crawled into Susannas bedroll last night, Maggie said. I thought he was an attacker, so naturally, I forelanded him with a rock.Naturally, I said.Im so sorry, Simon, Maggie said. I could hear Susanna and Johanna giggling behind the bush.It was an honest mistake, said Simon. I couldnt tell whether he meant his or Maggies, but either way he was lying.Good thing youre an apostle, I said. Youll have that healed up by noon.We immacu lately our loop of northern Galilee without incident, and indeed, Simon was nearly healed by the time we returned to the mountain above Bethsaida, where Joshua awaited us with over five thousand followers.I cant get away from them long enough to find baskets, Peter complained.Everywhere I go there are fifty people following me, said Judas. How do they transport us to bring them food if they w ont let us work?I had hear similar complaints from Matthew, James, and Andrew, and even Thomas was whining that people were stepping all over Thomas Two. Joshua had multiplied seven loaves into enough to feed the multitude, but no one could get to the food to distribute it. Maggie and I finally fought our way to the top of the mountain where we found Joshua prophesy. He signaled the meeting that he was going to take a break, then came over to us.This is excellent, he said. So many of the faithful.Uh, JoshI know, he said. You two go to Magdala. Get the big ship and bring it to Bethsaida. Once we feed the faithful Ill send the disciples down to you. Go out into the lake and wait for me.We managed to pull John out of the crowd and took him with us to Magdala to help sail the ship back up the coast. Neither Maggie nor I felt confident enough to handle the big boat without one of the fishermen on board. A half-day later we docked in Bethsaida, where the other apostles were waiting for us.Hes led them to the other side of the mountain, Peter said. Hell deliver a blessing then send them on their way. Hopefully theyll go home and he can meet us.Did you see any soldiers in the crowd? I asked.Not yet, but we should have been out of Herods territory by now. The Pharisees are hanging on the edge of the crowd like they know something is going to happen. We assumed that he would be swimming or rowing out in one of the small boats, but when he finally came down to the shoring the multitude was still following him, and he just kept walking, right crosswise the surface of the irrigate to the boat. The crowd stopped at the shore and cheered. Even we were astounded by this new miracle, and we sat in the boat with our mouths hanging open as Joshua approached.What? he said. What? What? What?Master, youre walking on the pee, said Peter.I just ate, Joshua said. You cant go into the water for an hour after you eat. You could get a cramp. What, none of you guys have mothers?Its a miracle, shouted Peter.Its no big deal, Joshua said, dis deficient the miracle with the wave of a hand. Its easy. Really, Peter, you should try it.Peter stood up in the boat tentatively.Really, try it.Peter started to take off his tunic.Keep that on, said Joshua. And your sandals too.But Lord, this is a new tunic.Then hold on it dry, Peter. Come to me. Step upon the water.Peter put one foot over the side and into the water.Trust your faith, Peter, I yelled. If you doubt you wont be able to do it.Then Peter stepped with both feet onto the surface of the water, and for a break second he stood there. And we were all amazed. Hey, Im Then he sank like a stone. He came up sputtering. We were all doubled over giggling, and even Joshua had sunk up to his ankles, he was laughing so hard.I cant believe you fell for that, said Joshua. He ran across the water and helped us pull Peter into the boat. Peter, youre as unspoken as a box of rocks. But what amazing faith you have. Im going to bui ld my church building on this box of rocks.You would have Peter build your church? asked Philip. Because he tried to walk on the water.Would you have tried it? asked Joshua.Of course not, said Philip. I cant swim.Then who has the greater faith? Joshua climbed into the boat and shook the water off of his sandals, then tousled Peters wet hair. Someone will have to carry on the church when Im gone, and Im going to be gone soon. In the spring well go to Jerusalem for the Passover, and there I will be judged by the scribes and the priests, and there I will be tortured and put to death. But three days from the day of my death, I shall rise, and be with you again.As Joshua spoke Maggie had latched onto my arm. By the time he was finished speaking her nails had drawn blood from my biceps. A shadow of grief seemed to pass over the faces of the disciples. We looked not at each other, and neither at the ground, but at a place in space a few feet from our faces, where I suppose one looks for a consume answer to appear out of indefinable shock.Well, that sucks, someone said.We landed at the town of Hippos, on the eastern shore of the Sea of Galilee, directly across the lake from Tiberius. Joshua had preached here before when we had come over to hide the first time, and there were people in the town who would receive the apostles into their homes until Joshua sent them out again.Wed brought many baskets of the broken bread from Bethsaida, and Judas and Simon helped me unload them from the ship, wading in and out of the shallows where we anchored, as Hippos had no dock.The bread stood piled like small mountains, Judas said. Much more than when we fed the five thousand. A Jewish troops could fight long days on that kind of supply. If the Romans have taught us anything its that an army fights on its stomach.I stopped schlepping and looked at him.Simon, who stood next to me, set his basket down on the beach, then lifted the edge of his stays to show me the hilt of his dagge r. The kingdom will be ours only when we take it by the sword. Weve had no problem spilling Roman blood. No master but God.I reached over and gently pulled Simons sash back over the hilt of his dagger. Have you ever hear Joshua talk about doing harm to anyone? Even an oppositeness?No, Judas said. He cant speak openly about taking the kingdom until hes ready to strike. Thats why he eer speaks in parables.That is a crock of rancid yak butter, said a voice from the ship. Joshua sat up, a net hung over his head like a tattered prayer shawl. Hed been sleeping in the electric arc of the ship and wed completely forgotten about him. Biff, call everyone together, here on the beach. I havent made myself clear to everyone, evidently.I dropped my basket and ran into town to get the others. In less than an hour we were all seated on the beach and Joshua paced before us.The kingdom is open to everyone, Joshua said. Ev-ree-one, get it?Everyone nodded.Even Romans.Everyone stopped nodding.The kin gdom of God is upon us, but the Romans will remain in Israel. The kingdom of God has nothing to do with the kingdom of Israel, do you all understand that?But the Messiah is supposed to lead our people to freedom, Judas shouted.No master but God Simon added.Shut up said Joshua. I was not sent to deliver wrath. We will be delivered into the kingdom by forgiveness, not conquest. People, we have been over this, what have I not made clear?How we are to cast the Romans out of the kingdom? shouted Nathaniel.You should know better, Joshua said to Nathaniel, you yellow-haired freak. One more time, we cant cast the Romans out of the kingdom because the kingdom is open to all.And I think they were acquire it, at least the two Zealots were get it, because they looked profoundly disappointed. Theyd waited their whole life for the Messiah to come along and establish the kingdom by quelling the Romans, now he was telling them in his own divine words that it wasnt going to happen. But then Joshu a started with the parables.The kingdom is like a stubble field with tares, you cant pull out the tares without destroying the grain.Blank stares. Doubly blank from the fishermen, who didnt know squat from farming metaphors.A tare is a rye grass, Joshua explained. It weaves its roots amid the roots of wheat or barley, and theres no way to pull them out without ruining the crop.Nobody got it.Okay, Joshua continued. The children of heaven are the good people, and the tares are the bad ones. You get both. And when youre all done, the angels pick out the wicked and burn them.Not getting it, said Peter. He shook his head, and his gray mane whipped around his face like a befuddled lion trying to shake off the sight of a flying wildebeest.How do you guys preach this stuff and nonsense if you dont understand it? Okay, try this the kingdom of heaven is like, uh, a merchant seeking pearls.Like before swine, said Bartholomew.Yes Bart Yes Only no swine this time, same pearls though.Three hou rs later, Joshua was still at it, and he was starting to run out of things to liken the kingdom to, his favorite, the indian mustard seed, having failed in three different tries.Okay, the kingdom is like a monkey. Joshua was hoarse and his voice was breaking.How?A Jewish monkey, right?Is it like a monkey eating a mustard seed?I stood up and went to Joshua and put my arm around his shoulder. Josh, take a break. I led him down the beach toward the village.He shook his head. Those are the dumbest sons of bitches on earth.Theyve become like little children, as you told them to.Stupid little children, Joshua said.I heard light footsteps on the sand behind us and Maggie threw her arms around our necks. She kissed Joshua on the forehead, making a loud wet smacking sound, then looked as if she was going to do the same to me so I shied away.You two are the ninnies here. You both rail on them about their intelligence, when that doesnt have anything to do with why theyre here. Have either one of you heard them preach? I have. Peter can heal the sick now. Ive seen it. Ive seen James make the lame walk. Faith isnt an act of intelligence, its an act of imagination. Every time you give them a new metaphor for the kingdom they see the metaphor, a mustard seed, a field, a garden, a vineyard, its like pointing something out to a cat the cat looks at your finger, not at what youre pointing at. They dont need to understand it, they only need to believe, and they do. They imagine the kingdom as they need it to be, they dont need to grasp it, its there already, they can let it be. Imagination, not intellect.Maggie let go of our necks, then stood there grin like a madwoman. Joshua looked at her, then at me.I shrugged. I told you she was smarter than both of us.I know, Joshua said. I dont know if I can stand you both being right in the same day. I need some time to think and pray.Go on then, Maggie said, waving him on. I stopped and watched my friend walk into the village, having absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do. I turned back to Maggie.You heard the Passover prediction?She nodded. I take it you didnt confront him.I dont know what to say.We need to talk him out of it. If he knows what awaits him in Jerusalem, why go? Why dont we go into Phoenicia or Syria? He could even take the good news to Greece and be perfectly safe. They have people running all over the place preaching different ideas look at Bartholomew and his Cynics.When we were in India, we saw a festival in the city of their goddess Kali. Shes a goddess of destruction, Maggie. It was the bloodiest thing Ive ever seen, thousands of animals slaughtered, hundreds of men beheaded. The whole world seemed slick with blood. Joshua and I saved some children from being flayed alive, but when it was over, Joshua kept saying, no more sacrifices. No more.Maggie looked at me as if she expected more. So? It was horrible, what did you expect him to say?He wasnt talking to me, Maggie. He was talking t o God. And I dont think he was making a request.Are you saying that he thinks his father wants to kill him for trying to change things, so he cant distract it because its the will of God?No, Im saying that hes going to allow himself to be killed to show his father that things need to be changed. Hes not going to try to avoid it at all.For three months we begged, we pleaded, we reasoned, and we wept, but we could not talk Joshua out of going to Jerusalem for Passover. Joseph of Arimathea had sent word that the Pharisees and Sadducees were still plotting against Joshua, that Jakan had been speaking out against Joshuas followers in the homage of the Gentiles, outside the Temple. But the threats only seemed to strengthen Joshuas resolve. A couple of times Maggie and I managed to tie Joshua up and stash him in the bottom of a boat, using knots that we had learned from the sailor brothers Peter and Andrew, but both times Joshua appeared a few minutes later holding the cords that had bou nd him, saying things like, Good knots, but not quite good enough, were they?Maggie and I worried together for days before we left for Jerusalem. He could be wrong about the execution, I said.Yes, he could be, Maggie agreed.Do you think he is? vituperate about it, I mean?I think Im going to throw up.I dont see how thats going to stop him.And it didnt. The next day we left for Jerusalem. On the way we stopped to rest along the track at a town along the Jordan River called Beth Shemesh. We were sitting there, feeling somber and helpless, watching the column of pilgrims melt down along the riverbank, when an old woman emerged from the column and beat her way through the reclining apostles with a walking supply. break of the way, I need to talk to this fellow. Move, you oaf, you need to take a bath. She bonked Bartholomew on the head as she passed and his doggie pals nipped at her heels. Look out there, Im an old woman, I need to see this Joshua of Nazareth.Oh no, Mother, John waile d.James got up to stop her and she threatened him with the staff.What can I help you with, Old Mother? Joshua asked.Im the wife of Zebedee, mother of these two. She pointed her staff to James and John. I hear that youre going to the kingdom soon.If it be so, so be it, said Joshua.Well, my late husband, Zebedee, God rest his soul, left these boys a perfectly good business, and since theyve been following you around theyve run it into the ground. She turned to her sons. Into the groundJoshua put his hand on her arm, but instead of the usual calm that I saw come over people when he touched them, Mrs. Zebedee pulled away and swung her staff at him, barely missing his head. Dont try to bamboozle me, Mr. Smooth Talker. My boys have ruined their fathers business for you, so I want your toast that in return they get to sit on either side of the throne in the kingdom. Its only fair. Theyre good boys. She turned to James and John. If your father was alive it would kill him to see what you tw o have done.But Old Mother, its not up to me who will sit next to the throne.Who is it up to?Well, its up to the Lord, my father.Well then go ask him. She leaned on her staff and tapped a foot. Ill wait.ButYou would deny a dying woman her last request?Youre not dying.Youre killing me here. Go check. Go.Joshua looked at us all sheepishly. We all looked away, cowards that we were. Its not as if any of us had ever learned to deal with a Jewish mother either.Ill go up on that mountain and check, Joshua said, pointing to the highest peak in the area.Well go, then. You want I should be late for the Passover?Right. Okay, then, Ill go check, right now. Josh backed away slowly, sort of sidled toward the mountain. Mount Tabor, I think it was.Mrs. Zebedee went after her sons like she was shooing chickens out of the garden. What are you, pillars of salt? Go with him.Peter laughed and she whirled around with her staff ready to brain him. Peter pretended to cough. Id better go along, uh, just in case they need a witness. He scurried after Joshua and the other two.The old woman glared at me. What are you looking at? You think the unhinge of childbirth ends when they move away? What do you know? Does a broken heart know from a different neighborhood?They were gone all night, a very long night in which we all got to hear about John and James father, Zebedee, who evidently had possessed the courage of Daniel, the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Samson, the devotion of Abraham, the good looks of David, and the tackle of Goliath, God rest his soul. (Funny, James had always described his father as a worm-eaten little guy with a lisp.) When the four came back over the hill we all leapt to our feet and ran to greet them I would have carried them back on my shoulders if it would have shut the old woman up.Well? she said.It was amazing, Peter said to us all, ignoring the old woman. We saw three thrones. Moses was on one, Elijah was on another, and the third was ready for Joshua. And a huge voice came out of the sky, saying, This is my son, with whom I am well pleased.Oh yeah, he said that before, I said.I heard it this time, Joshua said, smiling.Just the three chairs then? said Mrs. Zebedee. She looked at her two sons, who were cowering behind Joshua. No place for you two, of course. She started to parcel out away from them, a hand clutched to her heart. I suppose one can be happy for the mothers of Moses and Elijah and this Nazareth boy, then. They dont have to know what it is to have a spike in the heart.Down the riverbank she limped, off toward Jerusalem.Joshua squeezed the brothers shoulders. Ill fix it. He ran after Mrs. Zebedee.Maggie elbowed me and when I looked around at her there were tears in her eyes. Hes not wrong, she said.Thats it, I said. Well, ask his mother to talk him out of it. No one can resist her I mean, I cant. I mean, shes not you, butLook Is that a seagull?